On M E

M.E. is biting deeper and deeper. After almost 15 years of containment, it’s fighting back, fighting hard and fighting dirty.   

But is this the right way to think of it?  As something 'other’ crashing in and taking my life over, taking me over? 

No, it isn’t.

M.E. is a part of who I am.  And it has been since I was a child – so why don’t I accept it? Or accommodate it?  Or even acknowledge it?

I am fighting it at the moment, and not the most sensible way to calm things down. I try to work round it but not with it; I try to cram it into cracks and corners or my life; and this strategy won’t work either.  I still can’t manage the ‘less than 100% of what I’m capable of’; when I feel well I act well with the emphasis on action. I’ve lived fast for two days; and now I’ve ground to a halt, despite needing to live in some way today – even if just very, very slowly. 

So, once again it’s back to square one.  I should be grateful it’s not zero, but I’m not. I’m furious.